Five Of Swords: Being mean + Seven Of Swords: Sneaking around behind other’s backs

I have a terrible confession to make. A shameful confession. It’s bad. And it’s this.

I can be a mean girl.

This horrible realisation was brought home to me this afternoon during a conversation I was having with a work colleague. We were discussing teaching strategies and I basically dissed the lovely woman who is my mentor because I don’t agree with some of the things she is expecting me to do with my class.

Now, I could be right (I do like to be right) but that doesn’t matter. The thing is, I could easily have made my point without bringing her into the conversation. I’m so ashamed of myself.

But it’s made me realise I do this quite a lot. Whilst I go out of my way to acknowledge the great qualities of all and sundry, even those I don’t care for much, I can also slide the knife in from time to time.

It’s what women do right? We download to our mates about the things and people that are causing us stress (i.e. bitch) because that helps us cope. That’s what I was doing. Having a dig at some teaching strategies I feel under pressure to use because my mentor does. Looking to my work colleague to give me support to do things differently.

But I didn’t have to make the discussion so personal. And even though I reiterated to my colleague afterwards what a fantastic support my mentor has been, I don’t think that excuses my behavior. Because couch it in the most glowing terms as I may, I was having a go at her.

My Tarot card for this year is The Devil. One of whose aspects is ‘living in denial.’ I feel like I’ve been living in denial about how mean I can be. Certainly at work. And I’m going to try really hard not to do it anymore. This is a big pledge for me. The occasional bad-mouth is like the one evil indulgence I allow myself in life. But I’m going to give it a try.

Do you enjoy a good bitch occasionally? Do you feel bad about that or OK? If the other person never knows does it matter?